My Drug of Choice

I drank coffee for about 10 years, on and off, and then seriously on (think working as a barista and swigging five cups a day), until about age 22. At that point in my life, I became convinced that caffeine was, if not a driving force behind my high levels of anxiety, then at least an exacerbating one. Never did it occur to me that maybe the sheer fact of being 22 and on my own for the first time in my life might have been more anxiety-inducing than some roasted beans, but that's water under the bridge, I suppose. So I quit cold turkey (and hot coffee) one day, and though I would very occasionally grab some decaf here and there, I even felt that the trace amounts of caffeine in that were too much for my sensitive system. When I quit eating chocolate, I think it was safe to say I had developed what a mental health professional might deem "cafephobia."

Things pretty much stayed this way for about another decade, until one day when a well-meaning coworker picked me up a "decaf" that turned out to be a "caf." Amazingly, my head did not explode in a supernova of stress. Sure, I felt jittery and a little edgy, but there were no lasting repercussions to speak of, obviously. Nevertheless, I pretty much avoided the black stuff for the next few years, up until a few weeks ago.

It's funny, at the toughest period of my son's newborn period, as he slept all day and saved his waking (read: screaming) hours for the dark of night, I never ducked into a Starbucks, even at that deadly period from about 2 to 4 p.m. on weekdays—when my eyelids were as heavy as sandbags in the back of a Vermont pickup truck straining up an icy hill in late February. (Yes, Virginia, it is possible to overdo a metaphor.) No, it wasn't until almost a year and a half later, just last month, when I dipped my proverbial toe into the water of life.

And while I haven't taken up java as a daily habit, I probably have three days or so per week when I do drink it. Maybe it's because my body/mind has such a low tolerance for caffeine (ever hear of a coffee lightweight? That'd be this guy), but it is a total high for me. I feel amazing. I can feel the surge of energy in my blood. Yes, I'm jittery, but my eyes are wide open, I feel I can create. Hell, writing this "under the influence" is much easier than it would be in my normal torpor. When I listen to music, it sounds better, dramatically so. I like people more. Could it be that someone has been spiking the coffee grounds with ecstasy? I can't imagine what kind of mischief I would get up to on that drug, or anything harder than a cappucino. Which of course leads you to ask if coffee is my gateway drug? Hmm. I kinda doubt it. Considering that I had to take two Maalox tablets on Sunday to cope with the effects of 1.5 mugs of regular coffee, I think I'll get my drugs from the local cafe, not the alley behind it.

Please leave a comment below if you have a minute or two. I'd love to hear how coffee makes you feel and if any drugs (legal and otherwise) "do it" for you.